The best of the worst – voted by you!
One day, this man was sitting on the sofa with his girlfriend, and she asked, “Honey, do you think I’m fat?” The man replied, “Of course not, you’re perfect!” She said, “Will you carry me to the bedroom?” He felt a shiver run down his spine and replied, “To prove how much I love you, today I’m bringing the bed into the living room.”
How are buying a hooker and a subway sandwich similar? Both could’ve been avoided if your wife would’ve just done her god damn job.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? They don’t want to be mistaken for a feminist.
Why do women close their eyes while getting laid? They can’t stand to see a man happy.
A guy goes to the dentist with 3 broken teeth. The dentist asks what happened. The guy replies, “Well, my wife decided to make fried chicken for dinner, but it was really overcooked, so it was extremely dry and hard.” The dentist says, “Well, you should have told her it was too overcooked and refused to eat it.” The guy replies, “That’s what I did.”
What do you call intelligent people in the U.S.? Tourists.
Went to Thailand and got with 2 prostitutes. It was like I’d won the lottery. We had 6 matching balls.
Why do women get yeast infections? So they too can know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt.
A young man went to his girlfriend’s father and told him: “I’ve come to tell you that i intend to marry your daughter”. Father: “Really? How much do you earn?” Young man: “2000 dollars a month” Father: “That’s not even enough for toilet paper.” The young man went to see his girlfriend and she asked him, “So, what did my father tell you?” The young man replied, “He told me you sh*t too much.”
Three friends decided to bet each other 100 dollars on who could make their wives scream more during sex. They all went home to have sex with their wives and make them scream. The next day the met up again. The first friend said, “I made love to my wife for two hours and she was screaming for at least one-and-a-half hours.” The second friend countered, “That’s nothing. I started licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and a half-hour after that.” Then the third friend said, “That’s pathetic. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple of times, I wiped my dick in the curtain, and she’s still screaming!”
Where does a suicide bomber go when he dies? Everywhere.
What do you mean by reverse exorcism? When the demon tells the priest to exit the child’s body.
Wife: “I can’t believe you went to a prostitute to have sex.” Husband: “What did you expect? We’d been doing nothing for months…” Wife: “You could have told me you were willing to pay.”
An 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she gave birth in a hospital. The nurse congratulated the fellow. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?” He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. What’s the secret?” He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.” The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.” He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil, this one’s black!”
What’s the difference between your nose and your best friend? Nobody bats an eye when you blow your nose.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was, he answered I don't have a favorite I love you kids all the same.
I recently took a poll. 100% of the people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.
A shepherd ships his sheep over the ocean and crashers with only a single sheep and his shepards dog. After a month or so the sheep suddenly looks quite "appealing" so he tries to have his way with her but the dog always tries to protect the sheep so he won't let him. Few month pass by and still the same. Then a new boat crashes nearby and beautiful model washes on the shore. The horny shepard is so relived and rushes to her. Lady, thank god. Hold the dog for a bit will ya?!
Q: How do you get a priest to fuck a nun? A: Shit in her cunt
What is the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend, and a wife? The hooker says " faster faster" The girlfriend says " slower slower" The wife says " beige...........I think I'll paint the ceiling beige"
A little girl was crying her eyes out on a park bench near a lake when a man walks up to her and asks her what was wrong. She says "My dog jumped into the lake, but he couldn't swim, so my dad jumped in to save him and they both drowned!" The man starts unbuckling his pants and says "Wow. Today really isn't your day"
A Black, a Muslim, and a Mexican all jump off a cliff to see who can reach the bottom first, who wins? Society.
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?” To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.” “Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?” The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool,” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.” “WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. “Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
What do you call a woman who won’t give head? You don’t.
My wife has been missing for over a week so the police told me to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill to get her stuff back.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby? You take your shoes off for the trampoline.
What’s long and hard that a new Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name.
How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.
Woman - "men are like handbags. Cheap, full of crap and easily replaced" Man - "women are like condoms. Spend to much time in YOUR wallet and not enough time on your dick"
What's the difference between a pedophile and acne? Acne doesn't come on your face until after you turn 13.
My friend came into work yesterday with the worst hang over I said man you look like you had a rough night He said "I got so wasted last night when I got home I blew chunks" I said oh you got real sick? He said "No you don't understand Chunks is my dog"!!
Why don’t women wear skirts in the winter? Chapped lips.
Did you hear that mary poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head? Apparently the super coloured fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious.
Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker? Not only do you get your money back, but the second hour is free.
What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common? Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? They don’t want to be mistaken for a feminist.
Did you hear about the husband who had a near-s*x experience? His wife flashed before his eyes.
What’s the best thing about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes!
What’s the difference between Disney+ and Pornhub? Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.
What’s the difference between flowers and anal? Flowers will make her day, anal will make her hole weak.
Why is the 3yo Ethiopian kid crying ? He's having a midlife crisis.
What do you call intelligent people in the U.S.? Tourists.
Why don't sharks eat black people? They think they are whale poop
Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box
Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera
So, 4 nuns die at the same time, and they're all lined up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells the first one to come up and says, "Alright, Sister, before I let you in: Tell me, have you ever touched a penis?" The nun is a little nervous, knows better than to lie, and says: "Yes, Peter. Just once, with my pinky." Peter says, "Alright," and lays a bowl of Holy Water down before her. "Just dip your pinky finger in here and you'll be purified, then we'll let you in." She does, and is let in. Peter calls up the second nun, and says, "Alright, Sister, same question: Have you ever touched a penis?" "Well, Peter," she says, red as a beet, "Father McKenzie made me give him a handjob once-- just once!" "Okay," Peter says, "Just wash your hands in the Holy Water and we'll let you in." She does and is let in. Peter is about to call up the third nun, but he notices that the fourth nun behind her is visibly shaken, pale, and really nervous. So he says, "What's the matter, Sister?" She gestures to the third nun and says, "Well, if it's all the same to you Peter, I'd rather gargle that water before she sticks her ass in it."
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
What the difference between a bonus and your penis? Your wife will blow your bonus
Knock, knock. Who's there? Granpa. Oh granpa?! Stop the cremation at once!!!!!
Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish." Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."