If you wouldn't tell this joke to your mama, I need to hear it.
Where does a suicide bomber go when he dies? Everywhere.
What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common? Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”
Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker? Not only do you get your money back, but the second hour is free.
What do you call intelligent people in the U.S.? Tourists.
One day, this man was sitting on the sofa with his girlfriend, and she asked, “Honey, do you think I’m fat?” The man replied, “Of course not, you’re perfect!” She said, “Will you carry me to the bedroom?” He felt a shiver run down his spine and replied, “To prove how much I love you, today I’m bringing the bed into the living room.”
A guy goes to the dentist with 3 broken teeth. The dentist asks what happened. The guy replies, “Well, my wife decided to make fried chicken for dinner, but it was really overcooked, so it was extremely dry and hard.” The dentist says, “Well, you should have told her it was too overcooked and refused to eat it.” The guy replies, “That’s what I did.”
What do you call a woman who won’t give head? You don’t.
Three friends decided to bet each other 100 dollars on who could make their wives scream more during sex. They all went home to have sex with their wives and make them scream. The next day the met up again. The first friend said, “I made love to my wife for two hours and she was screaming for at least one-and-a-half hours.” The second friend countered, “That’s nothing. I started licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and a half-hour after that.” Then the third friend said, “That’s pathetic. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple of times, I wiped my dick in the curtain, and she’s still screaming!”
A young man went to his girlfriend’s father and told him: “I’ve come to tell you that i intend to marry your daughter”. Father: “Really? How much do you earn?” Young man: “2000 dollars a month” Father: “That’s not even enough for toilet paper.” The young man went to see his girlfriend and she asked him, “So, what did my father tell you?” The young man replied, “He told me you sh*t too much.”
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?” To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.” “Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?” The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool,” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.” “WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. “Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
Did you hear that mary poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head? Apparently the super coloured fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious.
Why do women close their eyes while getting laid? They can’t stand to see a man happy.
Why are men so calm and relaxed after making love? They just ran out of fucks to give.
Why do men give cold women their jackets? No man wants a bl*wjob from a woman with chattering teeth!
Why don’t women wear skirts in the winter? Chapped lips.
Why does this Rorschach guy only paint pictures of naked men?
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is. Why can't war orphans play baseball? landmine.
My mother used to tell me to eat all the food on my plate because there are children starving in Africa. ....I replied... ....Oh, you must do the cooking for them,also.
My friend came into work yesterday with the worst hang over I said man you look like you had a rough night He said "I got so wasted last night when I got home I blew chunks" I said oh you got real sick? He said "No you don't understand Chunks is my dog"!!
How do you separate the men from the boys in the Navy? With a crowbar
your joke
A couple in bed. The man says to the woman "Let's do the 68" and the woman says "and how is it?", "You suck my dick and i owe you 1".
A Black, a Muslim, and a Mexican all jump off a cliff to see who can reach the bottom first, who wins? Society.
poopy daddy.... poopy daddy! Wait 2 seconds, I'm out
A Chinese couple is in bed. The husband says he wants 69. His wife says, "Why you want Beef and Black bean sauce now?"